Club Bullwinkle Versus Saint Stephen’s

The saga began in 2001 when Club Bullwinkle – reeling from its 1999 loss to ACGS – decided not only to ‘make amends’ by taking on a high school girls’ team but also to stake its very existence on the outcome of the match.

Putting it on the line for Club B: Nada (on debut); Russell (mercurial); Miguel (formerly blacklisted); Jacob (unbalanced). Representing the highly-credentialled Saint Stephen’s team: Rebecca (pinch-hitter); Hayley (garrulous); Michelle (inscrutable); Karina (disarming). The price of defeat: irrevocable disbanding of Club Bullwinkle.

The board 1s were soon a-feudin’, but there was no doubt about the result, at least in hindsight. Bullwinkle romped on its merry way with a 3-1 victory, the ‘shaky but comprehensive’ nature of this performance subsequently being acknowledged as one of the primary causes of the following year’s debacle.

Club Bullwinkle sent Team Shindig on the brave-perchance-suicidal 2002 joust with Saint Stephen’s, having first prepared with a collective piss-up at Wentworth Manor. "I’ve baked a cake! It’s a banana cake, made from scratch!" Nik Stawski was heard to exclaim, quite early in the night. "Here, try some of this cake I baked!" And that was before the drinking started.

Staggering into formation for Club Bullwinkle: Russell (d); Jonathon (r); Regina (u); Craig (n); Jacob (k). Brightening up the hallowed traditions of Saint Stephen’s: Candice (s); Hayley (o); Michelle (b); Ashleigh (e); Christopher (r). The price of defeat: lingering embarrassment with a dash of amnesia.

"2002, eh?" Jacob reminisces with an ambiguous sniff. "Nik phoned in while we were on the south-east freeway, letting us know that the Big Smooth had been forced to withdraw. This meant that – against expectations – I would have to renounce the non-playing aspect of my captaincy, and instead take to board one. It’s probably best to gloss over the match’s grizzly details. Suffice to say that we lost. So much for the lucky bloody slinkey, eh Tiffany?"

The official match report paid tribute to the girls (and guy) from Saint Stephen’s...

...but caused some angst within Club B circles.

"The report of Club Bullwinkle’s match against Saint Stephen’s was published in the ACF Bulletin," Jacob noted, off the record. "Not only was it taken to have been written by the opposition, but also, also, we were assumed to be a bloody high school. I’m not sure what’s more humiliating: the loss itself or being relegated to such ignominious lows of perception."

This capitulation to Saint Stephen’s went down at the time as Club B’s worst-ever defeat, and was only eclipsed at the Inaugural Australian Clubs Teams Championship by a (mercifully) comprehensive loss to Saint George, as captained by Ian Rogers.

2003 saw Club Bullwinkle determined to meet its wily opposition with an all-female team of its own. This, needless to say, proved to be an impossible ask, and Michael was drafted in as an ‘honorary female’, only to withdraw and leave open a breach that allowed ‘young veteran’ Konrad to come in from the cold.

Given the splendiferously frivolous match atmosphere, it was judged prudent at least to set down some personal goals for the match. As captain, Jacob led the way in this regard, by refusing to play. The rest of the team lined up with equal conviction: Regina ("Konrad, could you possibly drive?"); Jess ("Finish early and play Five Hundred!"); Konrad ("Er, huh? What was the question?"); Karina ("Touch wood. No, really, touch wood.") Changing the guard for Saint Stephen’s: Rebecca ("I played badly and I really wanted to be asleep!"); Michelle ("I hate you."); Ashleigh ("I played that opening that you said was no good...and it went well!"); Amy ("I’ve beaten her the last two times we played.") The price of defeat: a lifetime of ill-fated bidding.

The scene was thereby set for a highly-flammable post-dinner encounter...

...which Club Bullwinkle took 3-1, thereby winning the best-of-three series and securing a one-game lead in the overall tally.

[2001 Match] [2002 Match] [2003 Match]