Backing up from the success of ‘97, Club Bullwinkle decided to expand its interclub competition to 3 grades. Each of these was to be named after a musical group & one of its albums, and each team was to have its own song. Perhaps this slight departure from tradition was responsible for pushing the event over the edge, for all trace of sanity quickly disappeared.

8 teams (16 players) competed in the top grade, including defending champions Team K.A.O.S. (Stawski / Edwards), who drew the song Robbery, Assault and Battery. To avoid (?) confusion, they released an extended team name – Team K.A.O.S. 1998: Taskforce Gillagan (with music by Talking Heads and Sigue Sigue Sputnik). Of course, Gilligan was spelt incorrectly.

Team K.A.O.S.’s main rivals were, on paper at least, Redcliffe (Weller / Stokes) and Mission Control (Dubrovsky / Uebel), the latter having swapped board order from the previous year so as to accommodate Uebel’s rating dive.

Also competing were The Grammarians (Cheung / Cohn), Laurel and Hardy (Byrom / Poon), The Pipsqueaks (Fauzi / Poon), The Witches (Constantinou / Norris), and The Raiding Knights (Crocker / Burke).

Team K.A.O.S. demolished The Witches, while The Grammarians held Redcliffe to a draw and The Raiding Knights scored an upset clean-sweep victory over Laurel and Hardy (Nick Poon having, apparently, fallen asleep at the board). The highlight of the round, however, was Mission Control’s road trip to take on The Pipsqueaks.

The Organisational Debacle: As team captain of Mission Control, Konrad Uebel has presided over many a performance that could be described as a total shambles. This was no exception. Mission Control climbed aboard the Gold Bullet, forgot to bring either set, board, clock or address, and consequently turned up ½ an hour late & bearing only a pencil (courtesy of Dubrovsky). The opposition then had to drive elsewhere to secure the necessary equipment, therefore delaying the match further. Given Mission Control’s subsequent victory, the organisers saw fit to penalise them a debacle point, this being awarded to The Pipsqueaks.

The Draw Fiasco: Uebel having secured a win against Poon, Dubrvosky (in a superior position) was determined to clean-sweep the opposition. When offered a draw by Fauzi, then, he declined instantly, only to play a losing move and offer Fauzi a draw. Fauzi declined, but proceeded to lose on time in a position that was so won that he could have stopped the clocks and himself claimed a draw.

The Raiding Knights drew with The Pipsqueaks, while Mission Control drew with The Witches, and The Grammarians sentenced Laurel & Hardy to consecutive losses. The match of the round, though, was doubtlessly the showdown between Team K.A.O.S. and Redcliffe. The result? A somewhat tainted clean sweep victory to K.A.O.S.

Team K.A.O.S. Tours: Those who have traveled by Stawski-mobile will no doubt confirm that navigation Big Arthur-style is solely the product of instinct, guesswork and frenetic back-tracking. In fact, the three most common utterances to be heard from Big Arthur himself are: ‘Yeah, I know where that is!’; ‘Where the fuck are we?’; and ‘Aughh! What’s happened to the stereo?!’ (And, if pressed: ‘Don’t worry, we’ll make it!’; and ‘Plenty of time!’) Team K.A.O.S. Tours were precisely that; away matches that turned into voyages of discovery and journeys to far-out places. The Tour to Redcliffe was, even by Team K.A.O.S. standards, quite extraordinary. Problem 1: The Stawski-mobile sustains not one, but two, flat tyres. Solution: Postpone the match by 90 minutes & stop off for food. Problem 2: The desired destination is not actually in Redcliffe. It is, in fact, an out-of-the-way place with bugger-all lighting and no discernable street signs. Solution: Embark on a high-paced tour of absolutely everywhere, armed with only a torch and a strange notion that, ‘Wasn’t that a pub back there? We could stop for directions. I knew we should have gone left.’ Result: Team K.A.O.S. makes a grand entrance 55 minutes after the newly-arranged kick-off time. Particularly wary of the possibility of incurring debacle points, Stawski & Edwards self-impose a time penalty, the magnitude of which has been suppressed in deference to their opposition. A grand tradition is started, and Team K.A.O.S. begin arriving late to even their home matches.

The Raiding Knights Redefine ‘Harmony’: The scene: Brisbane Club, home of many a great match. Mark Burke has defeated Timbi Poon, and is watching on as his partner, Michael Crocker, enters the final 5 minutes of the time control. Michael has let a promising position slip away against Prastudy Fauzi, and shakes his head sadly at the injustice of it all. As his clock ticks down to under 10 seconds, and it becomes clear that he isn’t going to move, the following conversation takes place between The Raiding Knights ... [Club Bullwinkle has seen fit to tone down the language here, lest people be offended.] MB: (Voice raised) You idiot! You absolute idiot! Why don’t you move? You can’t just lose on time! You’re an idiot! MC: But what can I do? It’s forced mate. MB: Oh, right... You’re still an idiot!

Laurel & Hardy bounced back well to clean-sweep Redcliffe, while The Raiding Knights beat The Witches, The Grammarians and The Pipsqueaks opted for double forfeit, and Team K.A.O.S. fought out their traditional draw with Mission Control.

K.A.O.S. v Control: Epic, primordial, antagonistic, confrontational, all talk, no game, disciplined, slightly nauseating, alcohol-free, unorthodox, bombastic. These words, and many more besides, have been used to describe the All-Bullwinkle clashes between Team K.A.O.S. and Mission Control. Jacob Edwards gives us his account of the encounter in question: ‘Obviously this was a very important match for both teams, so we talked it up a bit before the game. No club sledges better than Bullwinkle! Remember that, my friends. When it came right down to it, though, this was pretty serious stuff. Hansie & Phil wanted to play shorter time controls than usual, so I quite naturally refused. Not the most sporting gesture a captain could make, I know, but ultimately justified, I believe...Hmm? The match? Right. Well, I played like absolute crap and achieved a dead lost position in record time. I remember thinking to myself, fuck, I hope Nik’s doing better than me, and then I looked over at the other board and he was, if anything, even more lost than I was! The Team K.A.O.S. undefeated record was in serious danger, but, then again, few people have had as much practice winning lost positions as I have...What? Yeah, I ‘won’ the game. It was Konrad’s own fault, though. He hit Ms Penguin with a table-tennis ball.’ Upon further questioning, Mr Edwards revealed that the Team K.A.O.S. mascot, a giant penguin, was, in fact, a particularly malicious and vindictive specimen. Apparently she took an instant dislike to Uebel upon being attacked by him, and subsequently spent the entire game giving him the evil eye. His loss, then, is quite understandable.

Michael Crocker’s Life is Changed Forever: It is hard to envisage a more competitive individual than Michael Crocker; a person more devoted to quality chess; to team performance. Michael is something of a perfectionist, and his attitude does him great credit. When given the choice between playing in Genesis- or Talking Heads Grade (rating-wise his team was borderline), he instantly chose the higher of the two. When the Qld junior community somehow became convinced that his name was spelt Croaker, he took no offence. No, Michael showed in the ‘98 Interclub that he was committed solely to seeing The Raiding Knights succeed. Nor was he tardy in submitting results, as shown by the following phone conversation between he and organiser Jacob Edwards: JE: Hello? MC: Yeah, we won. Mark beat Shiloh, and I drew with Connie Constantinou. JE: Ah-ha. Michael, is it? MC: Yeah, I was beating Connie. I played the opening really well, and I should have won. I made a mistake in the endgame, though, and I was only able to draw. I couldn’t believe it. I’m playing well, though... The Raiding Knights made a terrific start to the season. Michael’s failure to convert his advantage against Connie to a win, however, obviously played on his mind for some time to come. Was this the beginning of the end for The Raiding Knights as premiership contenders?

Laurel & Hardy drew with The Pipsqueaks (Timbi beating Nick in the Poon showdown). Team K.A.O.S. demolished The Raiding Knights, and Mission Control drew with Redcliffe. The Grammarians and The Witches double-forfeited.

Deja vu: Jacob Edwards recounts the K.A.O.S. encounter with The Raiding Knights: ‘We played this match at Michael Crocker’s apartment, having stopped on the way for Bernie Burgers. Nik tested out his car stereo’s capabilities with a thumping rendition of Bob George, and we arrived ready to play. Mark Burke was looking out for us, and showed us where to drive in, which was nice, and we entered the flat to be greeted by Michael Crocker himself. He obviously had something weighing on his mind, and he wasted no time in relating to us the story of how he drew with Connie Constantinou. The formalities out of the way, we went to begin the match. It transpired, however, that we were a clock short, so I went to get one from Nik’s car. When I came back, Michael was telling Nik in great detail about his game with Connie. Apparently, he should have won, but was only able to draw. Anyway, we were about to begin the match, and Mark, if I remember correctly, asked me how I’d been playing. I was about 10 words into an answer when I heard from across the room, ‘Yeah, that’s like my game against Connie...’ Fascinating stuff.’

Mission Control took down The Raiding Knights (Michael Crocker again having to settle for a draw). Redcliffe beat The Pipsqueaks, and Team K.A.O.S. secured overall victory with a win over The Grammarians, while Laurel & Hardy crashed to another clean sweep defeat, this time at the hands of The Witches.

Comic Awareness: Nick Poon refrained from public comment at partnering Down Pat Byrom & having his team named Laurel & Hardy. He did, however, find a new and interesting way each round to lose from won positions. (The exception, of course, being his victory against Mark Stokes, which came from a lost position.) Perhaps this was a silent protest? Perhaps he was just overawed by his Board 1.

Team K.A.O.S., in the meantime, staged a bit of a mix-up. From Stawski’s perspective: the match was tentatively arranged for early on Sunday, but Edwards was (at any time during the night before) to confirm his availability. Having stayed up but received no word, Stawski postponed the match and went clubbing into the early hours. From Edwards’s perspective: the match was tentatively arranged for early on Sunday, Stawski to be contacted at any time should Edwards be unavailable. The result: 7 AM, Sunday morning, Edwards phones Stawski and greets him with a cordial, ‘Where the hell are you?’ Stawski, having had approximately 2 hours’ sleep, replies with an inarticulate, ‘Whaa?’ The mix-up is resolved, and both Edwards and Stawski agree that they shouldn’t have to be awake so early for no reason. They therefore contact their opponents & demand to play immediately. The match takes place, even though Team K.A.O.S. is collectively half-dead.

Laurel & Hardy were unlucky only to draw with Team K.A.O.S., there were draws all ‘round between The Pipsqueaks and The Witches, and Redcliffe whitewashed a demoralised Raiding Knights. The Grammarians continued along their merry way, double-forfeiting along with Mission Control.

An Extended K.A.O.S. Tour With Penguin: Team K.A.O.S. decided to bring their penguin to this important match, and one must suspect that she was the direct cause of the high W-Factor. Stawski’s driving has been known to draw considerable attention at the best of times (or, indeed, at the worst of times, when he is driving a borrowed car, the result of his having been stolen); this, it was discovered, was even more so when a giant penguin was sticking her head out of the driver’s side rear window. ‘People did stare a bit,’ reflects Jacob Edwards. ‘The strange thing about this match, though, as far as I’m concerned, was that it was really, really late, and nobody even seemed to notice. I was waiting at home for Nik to arrive, 45 minutes before we were due over the other side of town. 60 minutes later, with no sign of Nik, I grew bored and called him. He was just leaving home, and assured me that we wouldn’t be late. His reasoning, as best I can judge, was that we were giving a lift to one of our opposition, Mr Patrick Byrom. Even so, I thought we must be a little behind schedule. But no. We were playing at Nick Poon’s house, and we actually arrived before he did; 90 minutes late, but still early. I don’t understand it. Time just seems to work differently in the Bullwinkle Interclub.’ Team K.A.O.S. salvaged a draw from the match, and celebrated this result with a Gourmet Spud meal at Sunnybank. It was after this, having just left the carpark, that Stawski’s car (not unsurprisingly) broke down. ‘Yes, I remember it well,’ says Edwards. ‘It was just short of a major intersection, so we couldn’t go forward. We had to get back to the carpark and call the RACQ. So there we were, with a penguin in the back seat, pushing Nik’s car backwards up the middle lane of a main road, Nik frantically waving away the on-coming traffic. Ah, memories.’

Redcliffe continued their strong finish, defeating The Witches. Mission Control drew with Laurel & Hardy, Team K.A.O.S. beat The Pipsqueaks, and The Grammarians and The Raiding Knights double-forfeited in rather strange circumstances...

A Mysterious Phone Call: Team K.A.O.S., having spent the day down the Coast, returned to Stawski’s house for a Big Arthur-style home-cooked meal. Just as the aftermath of this was being cleared up, the telephone rang. Edwards answered the phone, and instantly recognised the caller as none other than Michael Crocker, wanting to speak to Stawski. The conversation went something like this: NS: (receiving the phone from JE) Hello? MC: Yeah, I’m at the Brisbane Club. I was wondering whether you had Alex Cohn’s phone number. You see, we’re supposed to be playing tonight, but they’re not here. Actually, I think it might be my fault. I’m not sure whether I organised it or not. NS: Right. (An inordinate amount of time later) Here we go. His number is... JE: (to NS) Tell him we’re coming to help. NS: What? JE: We’re going to play transfer, aren’t we? Just tell him. NS: (To MC) Michael, we’ll be there ourselves later tonight. MC: What?! Is that Alex?! NS: (stunned silence) MC: Oh, sorry. I thought you’d found him.

1^st = Team K.A.O.S. (Edwards / Stawski) on 19.5

2^nd = Redcliffe (Weller / Stokes) on 12.5

3^rd = Mission Control on 11

1^st Board 1 = Nik Stawski (5/7)

1^st Board 2 = Jacob Edwards (6½/7)

6 teams (12 players) eventually competed in Talking Heads Grade after 2 teams withdrew due to chronic disorganisation and (sadly) death.

Nemesis (Marney / Bean) emerged victorious by half a point from DeepEST Blue (Davidson / Quaresmini), with Move Mania (Altoff / Terry) third.

Nathan Davidson was the best-performed on Board 1, and Richard Bean likewise on Board 2.

8 teams (16 players) contested Supertramp Grade, but not before some considerable controversy!

The Naked Ladies & The Name Change: The third division of Bullwinkle’s Interclub originally contained 10 teams, and was entitled Pet Shop Boys Grade – Actually. It was specifically designed to give juniors the chance to compete against adults, and the organisers were pleased to receive 2 entries from Churchie & 2 from a school that will remain nameless. Why did these latter 2 teams withdraw, thus prompting the name change? Jacob Edwards reflects: ‘As chief organiser, I thought things were going quite well in Actually. But then, barely half way through Round 1, I received a rather bewildering e-mail from the father of one of the juniors competing for [name suppressed]. The gist of what he was saying was that he was a concerned parent; ie. he was worried about his children having to travel by public transport at unsafe hours, he was worried that the games wouldn’t be played at suitable venues, and he was worried about the sort of people who comprised the opposition. This, to me, seemed very strange. I sent back an e-mail to the effect that I appreciated his concerns, BUT: venues, dates and times in the Bullwinkle Interclub were all to be arranged by mutual agreement, so there should be no need for concern about public transport or ‘seedy’ venues. Furthermore, chess players (I said) are largely a respectable group of people. Still, if he was really concerned, he could follow the example of Dave Barnard, who goes to matches with his young children. In short, I said that the points he raised were (as hypothetical concerns) quite good, but that they weren’t my concerns... And then I returned home to a more direct and informative message. The teacher in charge of the 2 [suppressed] teams had phoned to say that: (a) she hadn’t been aware that her players would be competing against adults {although this had been clearly stated}, and (b) she was terribly sorry, but they would have to withdraw. Upon being queried by the message-taker, she had revealed the full story. APPARENTLY, upon contacting their first-round opponents, one of the junior teams had been told that there would be naked ladies present at the venue! Now, the teacher was fairly sure that this was said in jest, but the parents were understandably concerned & thought it best that their children take no part in the competition. So that was the cause of the e-mail I had received! My competition had been sabotaged by fictitious (or so we must assume) nude women. A suspicion lurked at the back of my mind, I checked the pairing information, and – yes! – the person responsible for the ‘Naked Ladies’ joke was none other than Dave Barnard, whose excellent example I suggested the concerned parent follow! Superb!’

And so it was that Pet Shop Boys Grade became Supertramp Grade, and life continued on. The division was eventually won by The Original Skinheads (Barnes / Barnard) from the somewhat unharmonious X-Men (Burnet / Alvarado). Zugzwang (Warta / Simonsen) finished third. Best on Board 1 was Keith Burnet, with Runo Simonsen best on Board 2.

Thus endeth the ‘98 Interclub.